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The Hook Up: Porn and Talking to the ‘Rents

Reported by MTV Act.

Photo: (Everyone Is Gay)

The Hook Up is a weekly relationship advice column from MTV Act and the It’s Your (Sex) Life campaign, written by the very talented Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid.

 

From the awkward to the complicated to the down-right-adorable, these girls have you covered. To submit your question about love, lust or anything in between, email us at mtvhookup@gmail.com. We’d love to hear from you, and your question could be chosen for a future column! Plus, the first 30 people get free MTV Act shirts. FYI, in case you’re a little shy, all questions can be anonymous.

My boyfriend watches a lot of porn. Could he have a problem? –Sam

Dannielle Says: 

Short Answer: no.

Long Answer: Porn is just porn you guys, some people watch it some people don’t. IT DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN SOMETHING SERIOUS AND DRAMATIC.

I had a friend in college who literally just watched it, like it would be on his computer for no reason. He would just do his reading with it on in the background… I DON’T KNOW WHY OR WHAT IT MEANT, BUT LIKE IT’S WHATEVER YOU GUYS.

Kristin knows a lot more about porn than i do because she went to school for learning things about people… or something… but here is what I think…

If it bothers you because you’re afraid he’s watching p0rn for a specific reason pertaining to your sex life I.E. he doesn’t love doing it with you, then fine. You should totally talk to him. If it’s getting in the way of his everyday life I.E. he’s not going to work, finishing school, hanging out with you, then fine. You should totally talk to him. If he is just watching it to watch it and you are both totally fulfilled, then leave it alone. Maybe ask him why it interests him, explain you never understood it, watch it together even, but that’s it. He’s not hurting anyone!

Kristin Says:

I did go to school for porn, so Dannielle’ is right – you are now talking to a certified expert.

#ididnotgotoschoolforporn

What I do know, though, is that what happens to a lot of us if and when our boo watches porn is that we are all OKAY HAHA BUT OKAY BUT WAIT WHAT IF IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH WHY DO YOU NEED THE PORN WHY AM I NOT SEXY ENOUGH ALONE UGH YOU DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT ME I HATE YOU DOOR SLAM.

It is hard to answer this question without understanding what your definition of “a lot” of porn equals. Like D said, if your boo is like, “Sorry can’t make it to Sylvia’s wedding, have to get through this stack of porn DVDs,” then there is an issue that likely goes way beyond just “porn consumption.” If your boo isn’t into doing it with you at all and just wants to porn-it-up every night before bed, then again – this is something that bothers you because you have a different vision for your own sexitime needs, and it needs to be spoken about and addressed in that context.

If, however, you just feel weird or bad or uncomfortable because you don’t like porn and you don’t understand why he does… then just ask him about it, try to understand it better, and at the end of the day allow him to enjoy the things that turn him on. The last thing you should do is suggest that he has a “problem” for liking to watch naked people bump around on a TV screen. To each his own, eh?

When my mom asks me about sex and if I’m “active,” I just try to change the subject and go and do something else. When would be a good time to tell her that I am? To make it harder… I’m 15 years old and my mom had me when she was 16. I don’t know how to tell her or if I should even tell her at all.

Dannielle Says:

I think honesty is a good thing. Our parents know things like this, IT’S ANNOYING, because all you want to do is lie and not have to talk about it (that feeling doesn’t go away FYI). However, it’s always better to just get it out there. Chances are, she wants to know you’re being safe and smart and AS LONG AS THAT IS THE CASE, you talking to her will make her feel a lot better.

Think about it this way, no matter what happens you are going to continue being sexually active AND no matter what happens she is going to continue to ask… So, if you just put it out there and say ‘yes i am and i’m being smart i swear’ it won’t make you feel super awful and like a liar every time it comes up. It might be a little weird and a little awkward, but at least you’re not lying and constantly trying to think of the best way to phrase a new lie SLASH trying to figure out when is the best time to stop lying SLASH trying to figure out how to cover up your lies and lies and EVERYTHING IS LIES. Lies are the worst and they make everyone feel weird.

If you want to say something, you should. Hands down. If she starts to ask too many questions just tell her you’re not ready to talk about it. She loves you and she just wants to know that you’re making the right choices.

Kristin Says:

I agree – I think honesty is the best policy. It sounds like your biggest concern is that your mom will FLIP OUT because she will be so afraid that you will get pregnant and have a baby real young just like she did. That is totally valid on your part, because I am sure that this will be a worry of hers – but it is also a completely valid concern on her end, and one that should (and can) be talked about!

If you want to test the waters before jumping into the deep end on this one, I think that you should sit your mom down and say that you are sometimes afraid to be completely honest with her about your sex life because you don’t want to worry her or make her angry. Gauge her response. If she drops her phone on the floor and says WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING, then I would highlight how that kind of response makes it difficult to be honest. If she responds calmly and says that she understands that fear, then say, “I want you to know that I have had sex but that I know and understand the ways to protect myself and I am being responsible. I am sorry that it took me a while to be honest, but I hope that you can trust me.”

Rules might get a little tighter once she knows, and that might inconvenience you a bit and be annoying… but it is a very small price to pay in exchange for her respecting your honesty and paving a path where she can trust you and allow you to grow up into a person who makes good decisions.

THIS ANSWER MADE ME FEEL OLD. YOU SHOULD ALSO EAT SOME TWIZZLERS OR SOMETHING.

Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid are the co-creators of Everyone is Gay, a website and organization promoting kindness between all people, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity. The views expressed in these blog posts are the viewsof the authors alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of MTV, KFF or the It’s Your Sex Life campaign.

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