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The Hook Up: Slut Shaming and No-Baby Blues

Reported by MTV Act.

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The Hook Up is a weekly relationship advice column from MTV Act and the It’s Your (Sex) Life campaign, written by the very talented Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid.

 

From the awkward to the complicated to the down-right-adorable, these girls have you covered. To submit your question about love, lust or anything in between, email us at mtvhookup@gmail.com. We’d love to hear from you, and your question could be chosen for a future column! Plus, the first 30 people get free MTV Act shirts. FYI, in case you’re a little shy, all questions can be anonymous.

Emma: I’ve just had a hook up and the guy hasn’t talked to me or tried to see me, even when we are studying at the same college, which made me feel like a slut…should i talk to him, or should i just leave it in the past?

Dannielle Says:

First and foremost, you should not feel like a ‘slut’ EVEN IF YOU GUYS NEVER SPEAK AGAIN. Slut is a really strong word used to make us ladies feel terrible about hooking up with anyone at anytime under any circumstance. This situation is 100% on him making you feel bad, you shouldn’t ALSO make yourself feel bad on top of it, ya know?

Here’s what I think… Call him if you want to, don’t call him if you don’t want to. If you haven’t talked to him simply because he hasn’t talked to you, it’s like, maybe he’s doing the same thing?! Maybe he’s talking to his friends and saying ‘i dunno, she hasn’t even texted me or anything.’ AND if you haven’t talked to him because he hasn’t said anything AND you don’t really feel like talking to him, don’t worry about it. It’s absolutely okay if once in a while you want to make out with someone and have a good time and not get into a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting that.

Now, the same way there is nothing wrong with you for wanting that, there is nothing wrong with him for wanting that. Yea? Keep that in mind, him having an awesome time and not necessarily wanting something super serious is totally okay. AND it says nothing bad about you, in fact, it literally says nothing about you. If you want to talk to him, talk to him, and if it doesn’t work out don’t beat yourself up because the two of you wanted different things. You’re doing great, I promise.

Kristin Says:

D is right, you gotta do you on this one.

Slut is a four-letter-word, y’all. I just want to repeat this: If you choose to hook-up with someone and you don’t want to become emotionally involved, that doesn’t make you or anyone else any LESS of a human being than someone who is hooking up with a future of commitment in mind. When we shame other people for that behavior, we are setting up a REALLY dangerous dichotomy where “monogamy” is right, and anything else is shameful. Ain’t true.

Going back to you doing you, now. It sounds like you wanted more from this guy, and you are reading big time into him not seeking you out. I say this to my sister ALL THE TIME, and I will say it to you: WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO REACH OUT?! If you want to see him again, then send him a text and say, “Hey, if you are free next week there is an incredible statue made of pizza in the quad that the pigeons will probably destroy before long. Want to go see it?”

If he doesn’t respond, then you know he didn’t want more than a fling. If he does, then you go see the pizza statue. So many times we are so afraid of rejection that we cannot just ask the questions we want to ask and make the moves we want to make. If he doesn’t want any more than just a one time fling, that is NOT a reflection on YOU. That is a reflection of what HE wants.

I know it’s hard, and I know it puts you in a vulnerable place. The upside is that you will know the truth and be along your merry way in a much, much shorter span of time than you will be if you keep hemming and hawing over what he “might” be thinking.

Capish?

Jessica: I’m 16 years old and i really want a baby but I’m scared of what people might say or how they will treat me. I’m confused what should i do? I’m getting a job and I do online schooling. I feel like i miss the interaction and having a baby will make me happy in life.

Dannielle Says:

I always said that I wouldn’t have a baby until I knew I could put them through college. Now, that’s just me, but I want you to think about this in that sense. How long can you take care of a child? This isn’t as simple as having a baby and then playing with it when you have time. You know, babies don’t sleep through the night until their like 6 months old or something… That’s 180 days of you going to work and trying to finish school and having conversations with humans where you can’t stand up straight because you haven’t slept in god knows how long. And a baby is something that will cost you, like, near to a million dollars. A. MILLION. DOLLARS. Isn’t that just ridiculous? Not to mention JUST pre-natal care will cost $2,000 which I don’t even have right now.

And you guys, this isn’t just about sleeping and having money, it’s about bringing a human being into the world. I know it’s not fair for anyone to use your age as leverage right here, but let me tell you something. Who I was when I was 16 years old and who I am now… two completely different human beings. The absolute worst possible reason to have a baby is the reason you just gave us. I understand missing that interaction, feeling lonely, and wanting someone to be around all the time, but that’s not what a baby is, y’all. AND you need to allow yourself to love you and love being alone with you LONG BEFORE you bring another human into the world. Spend some time getting to know yourself. I don’t just mean likes and dislikes, I mean, WHO ARE YOU? When someone says something rude about your friend, what do you do? When you’re sick, who do you call? When you’re crying, what makes it all feel okay? When you’re scared, what do you do? If you broke your arm, what would be the fastest way to get you to a hospital? When you’re angry, do you write about it? When you’re feeling lonely, what makes you feel better? The thing is, this isn’t about having a baby, it’s about becoming a parent. To be a parent, you must be the best possible YOU that you can be. So focus on you for a while, spend a few years getting to know every single detail about what kind of person you are and be absolutely sure that you would want YOU to be a parent.

Kristin Says:

Standing. Ovation.

Here’s the thing: when I was nineteen I got a cat. I like cats, and I saw a really cute cat, and I was like OMG I LIVE BY MYSELF NOW AND I AM SO GETTING THAT CAT. I named him Trey, and he is currently sleeping in the other room of my house. He is now twelve years old.

About two years ago, Trey decided that being an old-man cat meant that he would get annoyed with me for doing things like going away for a night, having a girl sleep in my bed, or traveling with my job. He would express that annoyance by PEEING ALL OVER MY HOUSE and also BITING HIS OWN FUR SO THAT I HAD TO PUT HIM IN A CONE which only made him PEE ALL OVER MY HOUSE MORE. I had to take him to the vet a million times and change his diet and try all kinds of medicine and it was a living, breathing nightmare full of pee-scented carpets.

Guess what I never imagined twelve years ago when I saw a cute tiny cat? I never imagined that my life would go on and I would grow and change and become a different person. I never imagined that my job would be one that took me away for several weeks at a time, and that I would then be faced with the problem of taking care of him. I never imagined I would have to pay for medical bills for a cat or deal with never buying a very nice carpet for fear of him peeing on it.

Now. This is a CAT. A SMALL ANIMAL WITH FUR WHO CAN FEED HIMSELF AND DOESN’T NEED CLOTHES. Imagine it was a baby?!?!

I can tell you this: a baby is a beautiful thing. A baby will be a companion to you, sure. The issue here is that you (just like anyone else) cannot see the future, and because you have so very much of it ahead of you, you simply cannot know if that future will be one that allows ample room for a child. Allow yourself the time you need to grow and learn and experience life. Allow your baby to get to have you when you have gotten to a place where you understand yourself, and where you know that you can provide for them both financially and emotionally.

Just like Dannielle so beautifully stated, “this isn’t about having a baby, it’s about becoming a parent.”

Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid are the co-creators of Everyone is Gay, a website and organization promoting kindness between all people, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity. The views expressed in these blog posts are the viewsof the authors alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of MTV, KFF or the It’s Your Sex Life campaign.

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