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The Hook Up is a weekly relationship advice column from MTV Act and the It’s Your (Sex) Life campaign, written by the very talented Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid.
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I like to text people when stuff is just starting up, instead of talking on the phone, but I’ve been called out a few times for it. What are your rules for text vs phone vs email in new relationships?
Oh man, I WISH there were rules. Then I could just follow them and not get in trouble, know what I mean? I prefer texting. I legit can’t stand talking on the phone. It’s like forcing conversation for an extended period of time PLUS when you say goodbye, both people have to say some form of ‘goodbye’ like six times before anyone actually hangs up… it’s like ‘alright, we’ll i’m gonna go / OK SOUNDS GOOD / BUT I’LL TALK TO YOU SOON / YEA WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN / ALRIGHT IT WAS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU / IT WAS / TALK TO YOU LATER / OK / ALRIGHT / BYE / BYE’ … are you kidding me… the phone is stupid.
Honestly, I think texting all the time and not talking on the phone is okay, BUT you’re not in a relationship with me and you have to be willing to compromise a little. If talking on the phone makes you uncomfortable ABSOLUTELY tell your booboobearmouth and when she says ‘i just wanna hear your voice’ let her hear your voice. you know? You don’t have to talk for 4 hours to give her what she wants.
AND you can always lie / swoon her by saying ‘i like texting because it’s a never-ending conversation, if we talk on the phone i know eventually i’ll have to hang up… and that will kill me’
If you do that one i’ll laugh forever.
I second the motion that texting should be JUST FINE.
Unless I am in a very serious relationship with someone and a) I need them to pick up four complicated things at the grocery store, or b) I miss them because they have been traveling and away from me for awhile… I say that phone-talk is for the birds.
If your booboobearmouth doesn’t go for Dannielle’s (hilarious)(romantic) excuse, you could also say, “I truly feel that my feelings are best expressed through emoticons. I hope you can understand. insert Salsa-dancing emoticon”
Seriously though – this is always a thing specific to you and your boo. If they need to talk on the phone and hate texting, then perhaps a compromise is in order… or perhaps that annoys the sh*t out of you and you don’t want to date them. It’s all what you make of it and what you want and need, you know? For the record, though, you have two votes in support of #texting4lyfe
My bf has a child, how do I stop the mother of his child from interfering in our relationship?
I’m serious though, be as nice as you can possibly be so she loves you so much. I know it’s weird because there is this woman who will be in your boyfs life forever and it SEEMS LIKE she might have some sort of weird jealousy issues or feelings for him or just might hate you, but that’s not what’s really going on. What’s going on here is for the first time (or something) there is an awesome lady in her kid’s life. There is this awesome lady who loves this kid’s dad and has a blast with this kid and slowly but surely she’s afraid she’ll be replaced.
Imagine your best friend on the planet starts hanging out with someone and she looks at you and says ‘yea, she’s like my best friend’ talking about this NEW GIRL. Omg you would literally feel your insides pile on top of each other and turn to mush. That’s what your boyfriendsbabysmama is trying to avoid.
You and I both know you will never replace this kid’s mother, but it’s a fear she has and it’s a totally understandable / legit fear. If being nice doesn’t cut it, talk to her, explain to her you understand the awkwardness of the situation and you just want her to be aware that you’re in no way trying to take her place. If anything, she’ll appreciate you saying something and your relationship with her will be a little easier.
I agree with everything that Dannielle said – and I want to add that I think it is completely fair to set some ground rules. If this babymama is saying things to you like, “Hey, if you are picking BABYCHILD up from school, he likes it when you wait at the corner by the stoplight,” then by all means be kind, be respectful, and work together for BABYCHILD. If, however, this babymama is interrupting your date nights seventeen times in a row with different, unimportant child updates, then guess what? THAT IS NOT OKAY.
In the latter situation, I would advise that you speak to your boyfriend about speaking to his ex. You should not – I repeat, should NOT – be the one who confronts babymama. There are way too many complicated emotions involved here for her to be able to process having the new girlfriend of her ex talk to her about what is and is not acceptable. So. Step one: Talk to your boyfriend. Explain that you understand the need for him to continue a relationship with the mother of his child, and that you are happy to be as flexible as possible in that endeavor. Then outline the things that you are finding to be unacceptable, and explain why. Ask him to please address the situation with her – and to NOT place the burden on you, but to explain that this is something that he would like as well.
Hopefully he will respect your concerns and speak with her. If he doesn’t understand, and this is something that you cannot handle, then I would consider re-evaluating the relationship, what it means to you, and if you think it is something that you can sustain.
Good luck and tell BABYCHILD I hope they had a great day at school today.
Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid are the co-creators of Everyone is Gay, a website and organization promoting kindness between all people, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity. The views expressed in these blog posts are the viewsof the authors alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of MTV, KFF or the It’s Your Sex Life campaign.
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